And in honor of the long-awaited America's Got Freaks Finale -

HERE's a little Hoff-luvin!



ADDED, cuz I couldn't resist.




SNARKYWOOD's a great blog.

Yucky Blast From The Past

I know it must be difficult to work for a collection agency.
Cuz nobody's EVER glad you called.

I try to be sensitive to any customer service/collection rep I talk to on the phone because R works in a call center dealing with pissy people all day. And it makes me sad to think that people are mean to him.

That said...

I got a call from a collection agency yesterday regarding my Cable Bill.

Oh, there must be some mistake, I said, I haven't had cable for, like, four years.

This is for your final bill, ma'am.

My final bill, from 4 years ago?

Yes ma'am. From 2002.

Are you kidding me? I haven't heard one word from you all in this time, haven't gotten one past-due notice in the mail...

We don't forward mail, ma'am.

What?? Then how do you expect to get people to PAY you?

You never gave us your new address.

Ok, well, I didn't know I owed you anything! I cancelled my service long before I moved out of my apartment, and when I moved I gave the post office my forwarding address, and my phone number stayed the same when I moved, you still could have contacted me.

I don't work for The Cable Company, I don't have all the information.

So I paid the bill (postdating so I can stop payment if this turns out to be a big stupid mistake) and I called The Cable Company (the name of which, appropriately, rhymes with FARTER) just to confirm that this is a legitimate bill.

I explained that I just got a call from this Collections Agency and whatever, and I'm so pissed off, I'm shaking. I told the Farter rep that I was afraid this Collections Agency is a scam and I just gave my bank information to them.

Yes ma'am, I'm showing an outstanding balance of $154.27.

When was somebody ever going to tell me I had an outstanding balance? I mean, how does this happen? It's been outstanding for three years. This is appalling...

I'm showing that someone did try to contact you in November 2005.

By "tried to contact", could that possibly mean that someone called and left a cryptic message and I, thinking it had to be a mistake since I haven't had cable in FOUR YEARS, deleted it? That's the only attempt that was made, almost a whole year ago?

You'd have to take that up with the collection agency, ma'am.


Oh, HELL no.

So I emailed Farter Communications thusly:

I just got a call from a collection agency regarding an account I had with Farter over 3 years ago. I had cancelled my account and apparently the final bill was never forwarded to my new address.

It has been over 3 years and, to my knowledge, not one attempt has been made to contact me, although my phone number remained the same and I had all my mail forwarded to my new address.

HOW did this happen? I would gladly have taken care of this balance immediately rather than let it sit on my credit report for a full three years. If you review my account, you can see that I was a good customer who stayed current and paid the bills each month. I am absolutely appalled that my credit has suffered as a result of Farter's inability to follow-up on this bill in a timely fashion.

I would like to see a written explanation of your past-due billing policies, because getting a call from a collection agency regarding a bill that is this old was a complete shock to me. To me, it appears that you've dumped the responsibility of contacting your customer onto someone else who knows nothing about the situation.

I would have appreciated even a minimal amount of customer service from Farter. Instead, I was forced to ask questions about my account to someone who has no information about my account. How do I even know this bill is legitimate?

I did not want this outstanding balance to remain on my credit one more day, so without hesitation, I paid it in full. However, I would like to express my profound disappointment in your customer service and billing systems.


And here's what I got back:


Dear Sarah,

Thank you so much for contacting Farter Communications.

I understand that you are concerned with your past due balance and you want a clarification regarding that amount.

I looked into your account and I see that the amount of $154.27 is due on your account.Since, your account is no more with the Fharter , I request you to follow the guidelines given by the collection agency. I also request you to pay the due balance as soon as possible.

For further questions please do not hesitate to call us again.

Thank you for contacting Farter Communications.

Sincerely,

Chriss
Farter Communications.


Um, yeah. Chriss (two S's - that's not a typo), dude, did you even read what I wrote?

I wrote back AGAIN:


I do have some additional questions, actually.

I would like to see a copy of my final bill.

I would also like to see something in writing regarding your past-due policies.

I would also like to know how long a bill is past due in your system before you send it to Collections.

Basically, I would like to know how long this outstanding bill has been sitting on my credit report without my knowledge.

I am extremely upset that my account went to collections without Farter ever attempting to contact me at my new address. I had NO idea that I owed you anything. I cancelled my service before I moved out of my apartment three years ago, and when I moved, I gave the post office my forwarding address so any mail would have gotten to me, and my phone number stayed the same when I moved. Farter could easily have contacted me, but no one did. Farter obviously had to provide my contact information to their Collections agency, right?

According to the representative I spoke to yesterday, the last time anyone tried to contact me regarding my account was in November of 2005. I have no memory of this attempt to contact me, and the rep had no record of any other attempts made to contact me. Interesting.

If someone "tried to contact" me by leaving me a cryptic message on my answering machine, I probably thought it had to be a mistake since I haven't had cable in THREE YEARS, and deleted it. That's the only attempt that was made, almost a whole year ago? Is it possible that an employee could have updated the account falsely to make it appear that they were doing work that they didn't actually do? Sending me a notice in the mail might have been a better idea.

I understand that once an account goes to Collections, it's no longer your concern, but the problem at that point is that the collection agency has very little information to go on when they (finally) call me, and I wind up calling Farter anyway to confirm that I have an outstanding balance, but they have no information either, because it's gone to Collections. So who's supposed to help me?

Perhaps Farter needs to consider a new Collections agency, because Asmi (Ed: Isn't "Ass-me" a funny name for a Collection Agency?) is clearly not contacting your customers and collecting your debts in a timely manner. Of course, if Farter would have make a better effort to contact their customers who have outstanding balances, perhaps there wouldn't be a need for a Collections Agency. I'm sure that if Farter would have made a slightly-less-than-minimal effort to contact me over the last three years, my account would never have gone to Collections in the first place.

I have paid this bill in full, and I will never be a Farter Customer again.

--- end of crabby email ---

I'm so pissed. We're trying to clean up our credit so we can buy a house next year. You can bet yer sweet ass I won't be installing Farter Cable there.

C'mon, Fight the Power! Fight the Power that...Isn't.

UPDATE: PICS ADDED!

Sumthin's up with the power supply to my 'puter, so I'm on the kids' 'puter. GAH! This means I can't download the pics I took of the latest additions to my stash. Hopefully R will resolve the issue tout de suite.

What is better than receiving yarny surprises in the mail??? First, here's the RASK(Random Act of Supreme Kindness) I got from YOSHIMI. It's All Things Heather sock yarn in a kinda light pinky-greeny colorway and some calming tea and a cutiepoo lil tin of mints. Yoshimi, ubercoolness radiates from you! And the fact that you dig The Trachtenberg Family Slide Show Players too, that's just icing on the cake.

And then there is the latest skein I received from my One Skein Pal. It smells awesome! There wasn't a note, but I'm guessing maybe it was Kool-Aid dyed? If so, she did a really nice job and I love the colors. Thanks, OSSP!

I really have enjoyed the One-Skein Secret Pal project. I thought it was very well-organized and the moderators were extremely nice, even when they had to remind me that I was behind on sending my July package (bad me). It was a real challenge to choose just one skein from the countless yarns available and send it to someone you don't really know, and of course I'm always dealing with my constant sense of self-doubt that pervades every single aspect of my life. Some days, I just feel like I suck at everything. I feel like I even suck at sucking. But even with all my issues, I had fun because I love making/doing/shopping for other people.

That said, I'm happy to announce that I've decided on a One-Skein Project (finally!) for my pal. It was hard because I wanted to take on a project that I knew I can complete and do a good job, but there was also a part of me that wanted to challenge myself a little and go beyond the garter stitch scarf (which is about the only project I could complete with 100% confidence in my ability). But of course I didn't want my gift to suck, so I think I found a good project for me and I hope my pal likes it. I'm using one of my favorite Noro colorways, #124.

Anyway, in pharmaceutical news, I've cut back a lot on my Wellbutrin. No real reason other than that I've stopped drinking soda completely, and my morning routine used to be, pop open a Diet Coke and pop in the meds. I'm out of the routine, yet I feel surprisingly good about it. I've been sleeping WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better, other than the boys' occasional request for chocolate milk at 4am. It does take me a little longer to get started in the morning, but really, I can live with it. I was kinda hoping I'd have lost a little weight by now, but I haven't yet. Poo. So, today I plan to sign up for Bellydancing and Pilates classes. And maybe aerobics too. I'm gonna look like Lara Flynn Boyle, Baybeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

That was a JOKE.

I came up with an idea for a totally goofy original pattern using cheapass yarn and easy stitches. I want my idiotic patterns to be accessible to all. Stay tuned.

Oh, and in News That Should Come as a Great Relief to my Global Fan Base, R quite wisely pointed out that if Reverend Aldi did happen to fall upon this blog, he's the sort who erroneously believes that he's reeeeeally funny and he would want to point out to us a) that we weren't smart enough to conceal it very well, and b) just how clever he was to find it. The Rev would be totally unable to resist saying something dorkily snarky at a family gathering, such as "Oh, Sarah, you're so hilarious I could just sit here and Behold Your Brilliance all day..." (when R said it in the Rev's Eeyore/Charlie Brown's Teacher/Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip voice, I agreed with R 100%), he would have let us know by now. R's absolutely right. So I think we're safe. Long live the Aldibash!

This coming Sunday we will be going out to Chez FIL. It's gonna be FIL's birthday. I thought maybe I'd intentionally knit him something that sucked just to see if he'd tell me it sucked or if he'd make the effort to wear something that sucked in my presence to make me feel good. I'm pretty sure he would have told me everything that was wrong with it had it not been for my total f*ckin breakdown the last time we were out there, In Which R very compassionately stood up for me and explained to my inlaws how I work really hard for FIL's approval. Isn't R the very best? Oh yeah, he is.

And, in Reality Show Wrap-up, HEATHER was the Hell's Kitchen winner. Beebie and I wept with joy. She worked her arse off, and she deserved to win. Tonight on Big Brother, Janelle will put up Danielle and Erika, Danielle will win the Veto, and Janelle will put up MARCELLAS. That does it, Janelle and I can't be friends. Tomorrow is the America's Got Idiots finale! I'm still hoping for the Harmonica Kid and my second choice would be Passing Zone (the juggling comedians). And I still say Leonid The Magnificent wuz ROBBED!

I'm so happy Rachele's coming in tomorrow! Maybe I can talk her into attending the BamBeno (featuring Meteorologist Glenn Zimmerman) show this weekend!


UPDATE: PICS ADDED!

RAK FROM YOSHIMI

ONE SKEIN SECRET PAL

Surprise! No Poop!

I'm discovering a very clear connection between how I am awakened in the morning and how the rest of my day goes.

This morning, thankfully, was not Poop-related. It was,

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM!
WE'RE ALL OUT OF SPOONS!!

We're not really out of spoons, we're just out of clean spoons. The kids have been on a cereal kick recently and, unfortunately, nobody's been on a Doing The Dishes kick. Least of all, me.

Tomorrow, I'll let you know how the rest of my day went. I'm thinking of buying a Powerball Ticket.


And how appropriate is this??

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Poop Stories #2 (Get it? Number 2??) and #3.

Every law that is in effect today exists because there was some kind of problem caused by the lack of this law. For example, in Missouri, it's against the law for a milk man to run while on duty. Why? Who knows, but there HAS to be a reason.

Are there dumb laws in your state? Have a look!
Amuse yourselves HERE at dumblaws.com.

Although some of these laws may sound ridiculous to us now, it's safe to assume that at the time, the parties involved felt that the ensuing drama was, at the very least, inconvenient enough to warrant taking steps to make sure that the same problem NEVER occurred again. Sometimes it's kinda funny to imagine the circumstances surrounding the origins of these laws.

Here's what I'm getting at, folks. There's a new law at the Karma house.

NO HATS ALLOWED IN THE BATHROOM.

Oh, you KNOW there's a story. Here we go...

"Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I need you to WIPE ME!"

No, you don't need me to wipe you, I mutter silently. You're perfectly capable of doing it yourself.

"Maaaaaaaah haaaaaaaah haaaaaaaah
Meeeeee heeeeeeee heeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

Oh, for Christ's sake.

I stood in the hallway outside the bathroom and saw Pie sitting on the throne wearing nothing but his Narnia Knight's Helmet.

Before I could stop him, he hopped down from the potty, turned around and, bending at the waist, placed his hands on the seat so as to present me his hiney.

Brief refresher course for the non-parents: "WIPE ME" means there's POOP.

In the blink of an eye, sploosh... his helmet fell right into the potty. Where the poop was. Fabulous.

He turned around with a look that wondered whether I was going to laugh or yell at him. I didn't do either. I merely stated, very calmly,

"Ok, new rule. No hats in the bathroom."

Yeah, this is quickly becoming more of a Poop blog than a Knitting blog. Sorry.

Earlier that same morning, Tito woke me at 6am by clocking me in the skull with a diaper and a package of wipes. And what do wipes mean, kids? Say it with me now:

POOP.

So I sluggishly sat up and instructed T to lie down on the bed so I could clean him up. Even through my as-yet unfocused eyes, I could see something strange on his hand. I've been a mom for a while now, so my instinct was to grab a wipe, quickly clean his hand and ask questions later. As soon as I did, T gasped in horror,

"Hey! Where my Poo Finger go?!!?"

I guess Tito and Poo Finger had been having a lot of fun frolicking through sunny fields of daisies (or, more likely, coloring on walls) together until Evil Mommy tore them asunder. Instantly, the theme song from The Courtship of Eddie's Father started up on a loop inside my head.

"People let me tell you 'bout my best friend,
He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end (duh).
People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He's a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun
Whether we're talkin' man to man or whether we're talking son to son.
Cause he's my best friend.
Yes he's my best friend."
(Yadda Yadda Yadda, Whoops).

Ok, I really, really, REALLY apologize for that. I mean, I'm sorry for the song-stuck-in-your-head aspect of the story and I'm also sorry for the visual of a little boy singing about the poop on his finger. And I'm also sorry to anyone that now feels really old for remembering that show.

Would you have preferred Shirley Bassey?

Poo Fingah (wah WAAAAAAAH wah)
He's the man, the man with the poopy touch
A proctologist's touch
Such a cold finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don't go in...

Yeeeeeah, somehow, the James Bond theme seems a little dark for a story about a three-year-old. I opted for the Best Friend song, as it is merely disturbing.

Anyhoo, R and I decided that the next time we go to a restaurant, we're going to enter our name as Poofinger, only pronounce it as Puffin-Jerr. Just to see how the hostess pronounces it. And we'll snicker with glee. You're welcome to try it at home, if you feel daring.

And here, as promised, is a pic of King Pie. This is, incidentally, the Narnia shield and sword that goes with the helmet as a set. At the time this pic was taken, the helmet was soaking in bleach. He wore the crown to the mall last night.

I'm a Trader Joe Ho.

My life just got really boring all of a sudden. Ok, it was always boring, but now I'm just kinda feeling more bored with it than usual.

Last week, I was driving everybody around all morning. This week, Beeb has one more day of Geek Camp (oh, sorry - Chess Camp). Then we'll have absolutely nothing to do until next Tuesday, when Beeb goes to her first Ambassadors event. Then she starts school the next day.

This morning's big event was taking the kids to see Babaloo at the mall. He's kinda like Raffi, only funnier. He sings about underwear a lot. Kids love that shit. I had him autograph a CD for The Ape Squad. He actually made it out to THE APE SQUAD. How awesome is that???

So, what else have I been doing recently? I've been hanging out at Trader Joe's. I'm working really hard on resisting the lure of the convenience of Fast Food. When I'm out in the car, shuttling kids around, it's so tempting to swing by Lion's Choice or Sonic. We try to stay away from the Golden Arcs (Trivia: What classic 80's movie has the main character working under the Golden Arcs?), even though I know that all fast food is equally bad for you.

Here's what I've been doing. Sometimes I just want to eat something other than the stuff I have at home. It's not unlike yarn shopping. Intellectually, I know that I probably have more yarn than I will live long enough to use. But sometimes, it's just fun to get something different. So, the new food rule is, if I want something other than what I already have at home, I have to get it at a grocery store, the idea being that I'm gonna have to cook it anyway, so I'll have to decide if I reeeeeeeeeeally want to take the time to go out and buy something. I'm supposed to decide NO. But I don't. I fall victim to the lure of "Hey, it's organic! It's overpriced! It probably tastes like crap, so it must be good for you!"

My current favorite grocery store is, as I mentioned, Trader Joe's. It's small enough that you can get in and out in just a few minutes, especially if you know what you're looking for. If you have time to browse, you will find food products you never knew existed, because the mere idea behind them seems contradictorily absurd. But if you're not careful, the abundance of beautifully-packaged meatless meat might make you believe that you can seamlessly switch your family to all-veg products without anyone ever tasting the difference.

I appreciate what they're trying to do, but look... you can NOT squish a whole lot of whatever Tofu is into a nugget-shaped mold and convince me it's just as good as a big ol' greasy piece of chicken. Yeah, I KNOW it's better for me, but eeeewww!!

But they put these really yummy looking pictures on the front of the box and they just look so appetizing, I fell for it. I fell big time. I got the Meatless Barbecue Ribs, Meatless Meatballs, Meatless Hamburgers, and Chickenless Chicken Nuggets. They looked so YUMMY on the boxes! As I unpacked the fauxmeat and put it in the freezer, however, I started to feel like a big dumb meat-eatin' chump.

I tried to pass the Chickenless Chicken Nuggets off on the kids. I even thought about getting out the video camera to capture their reactions, but I was afraid they'd think something was up. Their reactions were actually less dramatic than I'd envisioned, but Tito did say in his throaty Russian accent, "This tastes very bad." I had to agree.

I really, really REALLY respect and admire the people with the resolve to not eat meat. I do. Because, and I say this with all due respect, it will never be me. I'll risk Mad Cow, Bird Flu, Botulism, Salmonella - BRING IT. I'm eating MEAT, y'all. Is it any less risky than eating unpesticided soy beans infested with beetle larvae? I'm not asking to be mean or nasty, I truly am ignorant (in the truest sense of the word) when it comes to vegetarian/vegan stuff. Seriously, I have nothing against the non-meat eaters at all, unless they get all up in my carnivorous bidniss, telling me why I should be a vegetarian too. And the more they try to convert me, the more I just wanna eat a big ol' sinewy turkey leg in front of them with my mouth open.

I know the preachy types are the minority. But lemme give you a couple of examples of the morons I've dealt with in the past.

Psycho Vegetarian #1, my college roommate. She didn't want to eat meat because she believed it was cruel to animals. Meanwhile, she had a totally kickass leather jacket that I coveted. I tried to talk her into giving it to me, but she didn't. Somehow leather wasn't the same thing. Oh, and P.S., she was BULEMIC. So what the hell difference did it make what she ate anyway? Sheesh.

Psycho Vegetarian #2, a co-worker at Aveda. Once she saw me eating Chicken Fried Rice from the food court and said, "Omigod, I could never eat anything that had, like, y'know, EYES." She'd had three abortions at age 22. Ok, so you won't eat a chicken, but... oh, never mind, I don't even wanna go there. I'm not sayin' she shouldn't have had three abortions, I mean, do whatcha want, but you can't tell me there's not at least a teeny bit of irony there.

My All-Time Favorite #1 Totally Cool Vegetarian, My Uncle. Amylovie's Dad is one of the straight-up funniest people I've ever met. Funny on purpose, not like the Aldi side of my family, where they're totally oblivious to how hilarious we (and when I say "we" I mean myself, R, you, and everyone within the sphere of this blog's influence *snort*) find them. Funny like doing hysterical magic shows for the kids. Funny just for the sake of funny. The side of my family that I share with Amylovie, I'm sure she'd agree is darn near impossible to decribe without using the term "non-stop zany-yet-controlled goofiness". We've got a family reunion coming up in November, and I can hardly wait. Plus, PLUS, PLUS, I'm gonna hang with BEZZIE. Is it wrong that I'm as excited about that as I am about going to Yarntopia? Maybe Bezz can come to Yarntopia with me...

Anyway, so back to Trader Joe's. They opened a new one on the road I take to Beebie's Geek Camp, so today after I dropped her off, I took the boys with me to TJ's. I really just wanted something to drink, as I was feeling a little parched, but I left with a can of diet root beer, a bottle of Smart Water (electrolyte-injected), a box of cookies, two organic cheese pizzas, a ceasar salad, a bag of popcorn with 50% less fat than whatever other kind is made by the same company, and two CLIF protein bars.

Why do I do this? I'm such a sucker. I just wanna be trendy and cool like the other cool people who shop at Trader Joe's!

And lemme tell ya, that that low-fat popcorn tasted like sawdust held together by buttcrack sweat.

The pizzas, however, were delicious.

And the Smart Water tasted like water.

And I sure as hell don't feel any smarter.



Tease for next post: I finished King Pie's Crown! Man, did I ever eff up that pattern. But he's happy, so it's cool.

Big Brother Spoiler!

Danielle is HOH.

She's nominated James and Janelle.

Oh, it's ONNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!


UPDATE: Janelle won the POV (dammit!!), so now Dani has to put someone else up. James has the power to nullify one of the eviction votes, and it appears that he is trying to get Danielle to put Marcellas up.

I don't have the feeds, but HERE is a cool spot where you can get updates on the goings-on in the BB House, plus there's a Yahoo group for Big Bro All Stars and spoilers are often posted!

Warning: Poop Story. Warning: Hasselhoff Story. (two different stories, I should probably clarify)

Just as I sat down to write about a completely different topic, I heard Tito yelling from an undeterminable area of the house,

"MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I NEED SOME WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPES!"

Not a towel, wipes.

What can we assume from this? Spilled juice is pretty much ruled out, as wipes are not very absorbent, and even little kids know this (usually after learning the hard way). I'm gonna break it down for y'all who are not parents of pre-schoolers. When they're yelling for wipes, chances are, more than likely, there's POOP involved.

I found Tito ON MY BED. NAKED. Covered in POOP. Scary, no?

Even scarier: The diaper was nowhere to be found.

I'm proud of myself for not getting angry. Really, I am. I didn't freak. I asked Beeb to bring me a wet washcloth with soap on it, and I wiped the little guy down, head (yes, HEAD) to toe. While in the bathroom, Beeb found the poopy dipe in the trashcan and she assured me that T didn't make as big a mess as I'd feared. Thank GOD.

I actually told him I was proud of him for trying to take care of it himself. We've been working really hard on emphasizing the Independence that comes with being Fully Potty Trained. Oh, remember the pic I put up of the Potty Picnic the kids had with Tito on the potty? I forget when it was, exactly, but that was literally the last time any of us could get him to sit on the damn thing. He shrieks in terror at the very mention of the word Potty.

NOOOOOOOOOO! I NO LIKE POTTIES!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Today, I got all Dr. Phil on him and asked him to tell me why he doesn't like potties. Turns out, he's afraid he'll fall in and get flushed into the ocean. I'm thinkin, Dude, it's been hot enough, if I could I'd flush my damn self into the ocean right now...

So we dusted off The Singing Potty. Ok, it doesn't really sing, it plays a fanfare whenever somebody does something on the potty. By "does something", I don't even necessarily mean Peeing, I mean moving around even just a little bit. It's motion-sensitive.

Anyway, he got the "pull the dipe off" part, I just wish it had been in conjunction with the "sit on the potty and let the Poop come out THERE" part. At this point, though, I'll take what I can get.

Ok, so onto what I was GONNA write about -

If you happened to read my post yesterday, you saw that I was waffling (I love the word Waffle as a verb) about whether or not I was going to watch America's Got a Serious Lack of Talent. Well, curiousity got the best of me, I'm ashamed to say. I did get to see Brandy's Worst Hairdo EVER (girrrrrrrrrrrl,what is WITH those bangs??) and the Burlesque Dancer gyrating on David Hasselhoff's Beloved KITT. If you didn't see it, you couldn't PAY me to describe it to you. Seriously. It started out kinda clever, and it so quickly spiraled into the abyss of poor taste - I mean, that's about the best I can do to paint a picture for you without reliving the horror myself. And it was bad enough the first time.

Maybe there's a link on the web site, lemme check...

Ok, click here and scroll down to Semifinal Highlight "How far will Michelle go..."

Don't say I didn't warn ya.

And, in case you felt profoundly disappointed that you missed David Hasselhoff's classic stylings on America's Got a Bunch of Fuckin Freaks, fear not! The Beloved German Wonderboy (as in "I Wonder Why The Hell That Buttmunch Is Still On TV")is "singing" on TONIGHT's show. LIVE.

Again, consider yourselves warned.

And finally, if you dare, HOFF BLOG!!!
Click here.

God help you.

Reality Show Dish & some other stuff, maybe

Monday nights I watch Hell's Kitchen with Beeb and we tape Treasure Hunters to watch with R when he gets home from his class. Beeb does a genius impression of Chef Ramsay saying "WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE????" I'm so proud. She loves it when I call her a donkey in the Chef voice. Yeah, we're not like other families.

So this week that "stupid cow" Sarah was FINALLY kicked off of the show. How hilarious was it when Virginia went shopping and brought Sarah back a cow-shaped creamer? HIGH-larious. But Virginia lost points with me when she burned the peas and Chef rescinded her free ride into the final three. I'd love to see Heather win the whole thing, I think she's the one who fights the hardest for it.

Treasure Hunters is such a great show. This week the team of three Former Miss USA's were eliminated. I'd be happy to see any of the remaining teams win. They've all been good competitors.

Ok, so on to Big Brother. What the hell is wrong with Janelle? Why target Diane? And why ya gotta lie to Howie like dat? Not cool. That alliance is gone. James is clearly removing himself from it, and I wonder what Hot Kaysar will do. I think Howie will stick with Janelle, I don't really think he's smart enough without her, although him calling her on her lie in front of James and Kaysar impressed me.

I'll be so pissed if Erika goes home. I haven't been able to figure out the basis of Diane's infatuation with herself. She thinks she's clever, she thinks she's funny, she thinks she's masterminding everything, well, no, you're a dingbat with the most annoying voice since Holly (remember her??). And ooooooooooh, do I loathe Mike Boogie. Will's entertaining, Mike's along for the ride. I love Marcellas. Love him love him love him. Might even consider having a sex change so that he might love me back. Ok, not really.

If one of the evicted houseguests comes back, who would you most like to see? I'm gonna say Jase.

Tonight, America's Got Freaks. Hasselhoff's supposed to sing on the show tonight. I haven't decided whether or not I'll be tuning in.

*** end of reality show talk, on to random stuff ***

My local grocery store, in addition to the special on Fruit Bowels, was selling 10 pounds of ground turkey for $10. Guess what's in my freezer? We're going to be eating ground turkey for the next month, so if anybody has some good ground turkey recipes, I'd love to see them.

The bike we got from Freecycle is AWESOME. Almost new condition. Not a scratch. I'll have to take a picture of it. R says it would have cost us $40-$50 easily, and all it cost us was a trip to a part of town I've never been to. Mississippi River in the front yard, literally. Oh, and a school bus with curtains on the windows parked in the driveway. Interesting.

I'm so sick of the movie (and soundtrack) High School Musical I'm about ready to snap both the DVD and the CD in half. But then it'll be the Start Of Something New.

School starts on the 16th. Beeb found out who her teacher is, and Beeb was also chosen for a group at her school called The Ambassadors, who give tours of the school to parents and kids, primarily the Kindergarteners. It's an honor, and she is really excited.

The boys' Mom's Day Out doesn't start until September. I will then have three mornings to myself every week. What to do, what to do?

A family reunion (my side of the Karma family tree) is in the works for this Thanksgiving. It will involve me flying to Texas with the kids, without R. I'll miss him, sure, but on the plus side, he won't be there to talk me out of buying yarn, which I certainly plan to do.

Here's why I don't drive an SUV.

Somedays I'm just so glad I have a camera with me.


The gas pump when I got to it.




The gas pump when I was done with it. I just saved $50.








And I found THIS at my local grocery store.








IRV! SPELLCHECK ON AISLE FOUR!!!


Evan the Stock Boy busted me taking the pic. I figured if they tried to escort me out, I'd just show them the sign and then they'd feel really stupid.


While at the grocery store, I had a great idea for a prank. Ask the bagger if they'll walk out to the car with you, and when you open your trunk, have a fake dead body in there, maybe wrapped in a sheet with a hand or a foot sticking out. It'd be like Goodfellas.

Today is day two of VBS and Chess Camp. Beeb's chess camp teacher looks exactly like what you would expect a chess camp teacher would look like. Seriously, close your eyes and envision a Chess Teacher. Did you think of some slight mutation of the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons? Yeah, that's him. I walked in with her to check her in, he found her name on the class list, I asked if there if I needed to do anything else, and he said,

"You do not."

Totally in the Comic Book Guy's voice. I about pissed myself.

Yarn news: I won some beeyooteeful Tiny Toes yarn from the Sock Pr0n blog! God, do I need a swift and ball winder. It took me about 4 hours to wind both hanks up by hand. I'm hoping that the Unclaimed Property amount I get is enough to get myself one.

Oh wait, I didn't tell you guys about that! A few weeks ago, Mrs. Aldi, in doing a search for herself on the state's Unclaimed Property website, found that I had money comin' to ME, my only clue to the amount was "over $50" (incidentally, they didn't have anything comin' to THEM). So she called to let me know, and I sent my info to the State Capitol and I'm waiting to hear back. Can ya believe? I'm tingling with antici - say it... say it... PATION. I'll let ya know.

AND, as if my cousin Amy wasn't cool enough already (seriously, she's one of the coolest people you'll ever meet, and the fact that she has her own yarn store is just a bonus), she sent me an awesome yarn treat! I'm keeping it under wraps until I use it (i.e. get off my ass and crank out some socks). Recently everything that has touched my needles has sucked most profoundly. I don't even wanna talk about it. Oh wait, I did whip out a garter stitch scarf on size 19 needles in that rainbow-colored Lion Brand Jiffy Thick and Quick for my sister, and she dug it. I've found that my work is best appreciated by people who are amazed at my garter stitch scarf-making skillz.

Oh, and I'm making Pie the Crown from the New Knits on the Block book by the Knitty Gritty chick whose name eludes me at the moment. That's a fun pattern, I'm enjoying it, but I'm probably doing it wrong.

I'm doing awesome with the no soda thing. I'm so proud of myself. I'm not ready to step on the scale yet, though.

I'm getting Pie a bike from a Freecycler tonight. A Schwinn!

In the immortal words of Paris Hilton, It's hot. Outside, I mean.

The Inlaws are coming by on Saturday to take Beeb shopping for her birthday. This has been a tradition for the last couple of years. Beeb loves it. They take her shopping for school clothes and out to lunch. Tomorrow is Massive Cleaning Day.

Celebrate accordingly.