Monday, April 07, 2008

And THIS is why you love me.

A little before noon, three days a week, the mothers of the other children in Tito's preschool class at the Baptist Church congregate outside the classroom, as they wait for their little angels to be returned to them. Usually I'm late getting there. Sorry if I'd like as much kid-free time as possible. Jeez, isn't that the fuckin point?

This is when Anti-Stella and I catch up on recent events. She blends a little better than I do, but it's completely fair to say that Anti-Stella and I aren't like the other mothers. And I love it.

I don't remember what she said first, but I replied, not in the literal but more in the utter disbelief sense -


I may even have said it more than once. And I didn't yell it or anything, but let me tell ya, I have two voices. The Inside My Head voice and the Out Loud voice. I don't really know how to whisper. And I don't really care.

The other mothers gasped in horror.


Shit, are you fuckin serious?

I mean, it wasn't like I said SHUT THE FUCK UP or anything. And my kids have certainly heard me say that. And guess what, my kids are better behaved than the whiney ass brats who fuckin need to hear the words SHUT UP every now and then. But anyway.

So I apologized and went on to relay to Anti-Stella a preview of yesterday's post, as she hadn't read it yet and I didn't want to spoil it for her. I told her about how Swamp Thing had invited herself into my bedroom and poked her nasty head into my closets, and,

just to be an asshole,

in my Out Loud Voice,

within earshot of the Baptist church mothers who had just communicated quite clearly that my use of the words SHUT UP offended them,

I said:

"Thank GOD she didn't see my stuh-RIPPER POLE!! "

Hey, I thanked God, didn't I? And didja like that extra syllable I threw in, just for emphasis? Me too.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're gonna kick me outta the fuckin PTO.
And ya wanna know what I have to say to that?
One less fuckin bake sale.

That's what keeps ya comin' back for more, bitches.
That shit right there.


RiverCitySTL said...

Shut Up!!! Yup, thats what keeps me coming back!

turtlegirl76 said...

hehehehehe I love it when you use the other voice. =)

JRS said...

That's almost enough to make me have a kid and move back to MO, so that I can hang with you and Anti-Stella, be irreverent, and freak out all the uptight Baptist mommies!

Bezzie said...

Man when did "shut up" become an obscenity??
I get flak for it here too. (Of course not so hilariously!)

ZantiMissKnit said...

How did these bitches survive the 90s without saying "SHUT UP!"? Did their asses get uptight once they squirted out kidlets?

If I were to have kids (which I won't, at this point), I think I'd be like you and have a hard time connecting with other moms. Shit, I have a hard time connecting with other legal assistants (except for Bezzie, of course).

Poops said...

Jesus, I tell my kids to shut up a minimum of once a day. And I usually have to tack on "...before I fucking kill you" to the end of it.

I DARE ANYONE to give me flak for it. I'd tell them to shut the fuck up too. Douchebags. (That one was for Bezzie.)

Those of us in the running for Parent of the Year need to stick together and represent, you know?

Kevin C said...

I don't use "Shut up" very much, but it's not because of any Politically Correct, stick-up-the-ass idea that it's rude and hurts feelings, but simply because "Knock it off!" works just as well with my girls.

BTW, when was the last time you polished that pole? You're not supposed to stick on that like the old searing metal slides that scorched the back of your thighs if you made the mistake of wearing shorts to the playground...

Penny Karma said...


Oh, fuck it.


I know you were waiting to see if I'd say it or not. Well, I did.

Kevin C said...

Tsk, tsk... no restraint whatsoever.


Elizabeth said...

Go Penny Karma! You tell 'em. All the nice moms of the world are a bit hard to take, aren't they?

At my neighborhood grade school, it's like the Stepford Moms. And they all seem to be Mary Kay ladies. I so do not belong.

Skye said...

Another not-belonger here. I let my kids say "butt" and "poop". Oh, the shame and horror!

Batty said...

Damn straight! That shit is exactly what we come here for. PK at her best, we love ya!

Nell said...

exactly why we love you!

SiressYorkie said...

We don't say "shut up" in our house because hubby and I were both raised to believe it was a very mean and hurtful thing to say. Not for PC reasons or anything like that. I personally don't like it said to me, so I don't say it to Max. I've never said it to a student either; the closest I came was when one was being absolute little sh*t, and I said, "Just shut it!!"

*shrug* Everyone's different. Besides, the person you're telling to shut up, despite really needing to, probably won't anyway...!

As for blending in with other mums...yeah, I don't blend so much either. I'm an American in England, so that's a huge strike against me already, and I tend to be who I am wherever I am, not constantly worrying about the "good mother who gets it right all the time" image.

One time I took Max for a walk in the park, and instead of playing in the grass he went and rolled around in the mud (he was about 2). I thought it was fabulous; other mothers were eyeballing me and wondering if they should call DSS. Pah.

Ferris Family said...

This is why I love you!
I say shut-up, to the horror of my children and straight-laced, holy husband. I'm a better mom for using that phrase.

Sharpie said...

My response to those mothers would have been something along the lines of "Grow the fuck up." Sheesh. And I totally would hang out with you as well - I don't blend either and I love your filthy mouth - it matches mine!

Ed said...

They got worked up over the words "shut up"?

If they ever read your blog then you are royally screwed.
The least they'll do is run you out of town at spear point.
But it could end in a ducking and then a soggy burning at the steak.

And yes that is why we come back (even after a looong break)