Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Talk To The Bunny!

It was Speed Racer's birthday last week. In order to explain what I got for him I have to give a bit of backstory. Heh, don't most of my posts start out like this? As you may know, I lived in San Antonio with my family for a few years after I graduated from college. My mom was transferred there in 1993-ish, I think. While I lived there, I dated a guy named Fred.

Look, I know I'm kinda kooky and quirky and whatnot, but I have to say that Fred had more neuroses than any human being I have ever encountered in my life.

Sometimes a wee bit o' neurotic is kinda charming (case in point - me, the goddess Neurotica), which might explain why I stayed with him for about two years, and sometimes it's just plain FUCKED UP.

If I were to introduce you to Fred back then (and it may or may not still be true, I have no idea), the first thing you would notice is his sweaty armpits. Fred never used anti-perspirant/deodorant because he believed a) it causes cancer, and b) sweat is our body's natural means of maintaining homeostasis. I'm sorry, but when you see a guy with pit stains, do you think to yourself There's a guy whose body is at homeostasis, or Dude, that's fuckin naaaaaasty?

The story that really captures the essence of Fred is the first time he and I went to see a movie together. He bought the tickets and I bought the snacks, and I even sprang for the big ass 50-gallon drum of popcorn so we could share it, cuz that's the just kind of classy chick I am.

We went and found our seats, I set the giant vat of popcorn on the floor for maybe two seconds while I took off my jacket, sat down, picked the popcorn bucket up off the floor, placed said popcorn bucket in my lap and offered some to Fred.

I don't want any, he says.


I'm not going to eat that.

NONE of it? Are you kidding me? You wanted it a minute and a half ago when I bought it! What's the problem?

You put it on the floor.


SO???? Don't you know what people DO in movie theaters??

Um, watch movies while eating massive amounts of popcorn?

Oh my GOD, Sarah! You seriously don't know???

Enlighten me.

People piss on the floors.

WHAAAAT??? Who does?

People do it all the time. Think about it. They don't want to miss the movie.

People piss on the floors in movie theaters. You're serious.


No, YOU think about it! Have you ever been sitting in a movie theater and heard the sound of pee hitting the floor? Or seen someone stand up and whip it out? OR SMELL URINE, like EVER???

Well, the smell of popcorn would mask the smell of urine, and that's how they get away with it...

Bullshit it would! The smell of fresh urine would totally override the smell of... Ican'tfuckingbelieveI'mactuallyhavingthisconversation.

They sit in the back where no one will see them, and with the slope of the theather, it all rolls down toward the front. It's disgusting.

Hang on, let me make sure I understand. So these people - and there are clearly enough of them in the world that there is, according to you, urine on the floor of every single movie theater everywhere on the planet - have the foresight to habitually sit in the back of the theater because they see nothing wrong with peeing on the floor of a movie theater full of people and they want to have that option to pee on the floor surreptitiously, but these same people lack the presence of mind to relieve themselves PRIOR to the start of the movie? What's to keep them from taking a dump? Or do they do that, too? Do they smuggle in a bag of M&Ms AND a roll of toilet paper??

Jesus, Sarah, calm down. You're making a scene. People are staring.

YOU fuckin started it! And second of all, it's not like I threw the individual popcorn kernels on the ground, picked them up and handed them to you; there's about two inches between the lower lip of the bucket and the place where the popcorn actually touches the bottom of it. I'm not disputing that these floors are filthy, but COME ON! What, the germs can just climb up the side and dive in and swim around?

And people jerk off, too.

Jesus Christ, what kinds of movies are you watching???

Well, I'm sorry I don't live in your little fantasy world full of rainbows and unicorns where nothing bad ever happens!

Rainbows and unicorns??

There are more stories than just that one, but that should give you a sense of what I was dealing with. How could I have stayed with such a freak, you ask? Well, there were things that I really loved about him, too.

He valued the silly little things I do. That's a big deal to me. Don't make me feel like a jackass when I write you a silly love poem or something like that. He was really cool about those things; appreicated the time and effort and creativity that went into them. He understood my love language (and if you haven't read The Five Love Languages, you really need to) before I even understood how important that is.

I should interject that Loving My Silliness is one of the countless qualities that I love about my husband R, and the Most Excellent friends with whom I surround myself.

I used to make Fred goofy little animals out of felt all the time. One of the animals I made was a little blue bunny. I made up an annoying voice and obnoxious personality for the bunny, and I'd get Fred to engage in ridiculous conversations with it. The bunny would ask Fred how his day was and give details about his own day, which was pretty much always the same - the bunny had been sitting in the drawer full of stuff I'd made for Fred, which he referred to as The Sarah Drawer.

If you have ever had the catastrophic misfortune of being subjected to The Big Purple Dinosaur Who Must Not Be Named, you may be familiar with the ungodly sound of Baby Bop's voice. The little blue bunny's voice was kinda like that, but mixed with Gir from Invader Zim. Imagine me putting this goofy little blue felt bunny in poor Fred's face and read the italicized lines in that voice, in your mind.

Hey, hey Fred!

(groan) Yeah, Bunny.

Hey Fred! Hey Fred! Hey Fred, howya doin?


Hey Fred, guess what! Guess what guess what guess what?

(sigh) What.

I'm a lil bunny, but when I grow up, I'm gonna be a BIG bunny!

Yeah, that's really great.

Hey, can we hang out tomorrow?

Hmmm, I don't know, Bunny. I have to go to work.

Will you talk to me when you get home, then?

Sure, Bunny.

Ok, bye!!!

Look, I'm not saying the shit's normal and I'm not defending my actions, I'm just telling the story.

The best thing about Fred was that I could get him to watch anything I wanted to watch - figure skating, gymnastics, diving competitions, dog shows, the Miss USA pageant, ANYTHING - and he went along with it because I'd watch Cowboys football with him back in the Troy Aikman/Michael Irvin/Deion Sanders/Emmit Smith days. I hate the Cowboys, but I LOVE Michael Irvin. And, for the record, I loved the cerebral sports humor Dennis Miller brought to Monday Night Football, too. But I digress.

One day Fred was in an extrordinarily shitty mood and when I asked him why, he didn't want to tell me. I was genuinely concerned.

Fred, seriously, what's wrong?

(Long pause)


I nearly wet myself laughing. But I figured I should hold it for the next time Fred took me to a movie.

Fast forward to the Speed Racer era. My buddy Speed has been subjected to some atrocities himself, such as The Jonas Brothers Concert Experience in 3-D.

And during the Winter Olympics two weeks ago, I got Speed to watch Men's - that's MEN'S, mind you, I'm talking Johnny Fuckin Weir - Figure Skating with me. He wasn't happy about it, but he did it.

So I told him the story about Fred and that Damn Bunny.
And here's what I got Speed Racer for his birthday.

Her name is D. B. for Damn Bunny.
You can't see it, but she's wearing ice skates.
And, AND... (Regis Philbin voice) are ya ready for this???
If you press her hand, you can hear a recording of my actual voice saying "Hey, hey Speed... Hey Speeeed.... come taaalk to meeeeee!"

It's horrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible.

Kind of a miracle that I have any friends at all, isn't it?


Trillian42 said...

This whole thing, the whole story? Is why I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Anonymous said...

You'll have friends as long as those checks from your mom keep clearing.

D.B. and I are watching hockey in the picture. She didn't post the one of D.B. drinking beer.

Can I just say that the voice actually annoys Penny more than it annoys me, so I press the button on a regular basis when she's around. I even left it as a voicemail on her cell. And the voice freaks the cats the fuck out.

Bezzie said...

I worked in a movie theater for five years, and sadly Fred was half right. Some men DO whip it out. But not to pee.

Ah to be the fly in the corner of PK's past!

Penny Karma said...

Ok, but would you throw out a bucket of popcorn that sat on a movie theater floor for half a second?

without significance said...

no I wouldn't, but that's because it cost $4,000.

Penny Karma said...

Yeah, as I recall it did cost more than the tickets.

Anonymous said...

Also, I got some slight revenge for the figure skating by making her watch Curling with me.

And I did draw the line at ice dancing.

Penny Karma said...

Joke's on you, Kev - I *like* Curling!!!

Amanda said...

Actually, that is fucking hilarious. I love it. All of it.

I used to get Jason to ask the piggy bank (Penny Pig and Money Monkey, for the record) for coffee money when he needed it, and of his own accord, he made it talk back. For some reason it was always happy to give him money when he asked, but the snorting noises he made were well worth the loss of my change.

ZantiMissKnit said...

I second what Trillian said -- this is why I love you. Why the hell is it that I don't check your blog every day? Oh, yeah, you don't post every day.

I wish I had the gift that you have.

Kim said...

what a f-in' hilarious story. Glad you are back.

Anonymous said...

Psst. I have named you as a Beautiful Blogger!


Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah Where are you? You haven't posted in a looooooonnnnnnngggggg time. We miss you! Your South African fan Alida

Kristen said...

Ahem. I would like you to add two important pieces to the Fred story.

#1 - You made him a green felt monster named Mr Slimy.

#2 - He loved poke cake.

That is all.

Love, Keek

Penny Karma said...

Ha, Keek! Actually, the green felt character was Mr. Snotty, because Fred used to blow his nose, like, constantly. It was rather off-putting.

And I totally forgot about the Poke Cake! I should have made you one for your birthday, and we could have had MeeSoLuckee sing "Today's your birthday! Today's your birthday!" to you at The Body Shop!