Saturday, June 21, 2008

You haven't missed anything, really.

Shit, didn't realize it had been so long since my last update. Sorry.

So I'm shopping for some new Power Panties (in a smaller size, I'm proud to report) and my cell phone rings. It's Call Notes, meaning that someone has left me a message on my home phone. Weird, since R is at home. Why didn't he pick it up? Did something happen? So I press 1 to hear the message, thinking maybe it's the hospital or the police notifying Next of Kin.

Hey, Sarah, it's me, Camille's mom (I don't know why she constantly reminds me who she is), and Camille was wondering if Pie would like to... y'know... get together... maybe the pool...

SWAMP THING. I wouldn't have picked up, either. Nice one, R.

GIH. Now I gotta worry about running into her at the neighborhood pool. I already can't go to the Kohl's by me because she works there.

She gave me the window of time where she would be available to answer the phone when I called back. That window wasn't going to work for me. So I haven't called her back and I Just. Don't. Care.

This week and next are Summer PSR. I've been enjoying pulling into my assigned parking place playing some obnoxiously distasteful music. The church parking lot has excellent acoustics. I've played Nashville Pussy and NWA, for example. I played Blink 182 a couple of days but then Beeb asked me what a Cock was. And yes, I told her.

Yesterday I played Aerosmith in the van all day. I can't WAIT for Guitar Hero Aerosmith to come out. KOFA just got himself a Wii and I'm as giddy about it as he is. Factoring somewhat (he admits) into his decision of which system to purchase was the fact that he figured if he went with the Wii, he'd have access to my Wii game library. I'm sure a head-to-head Guitar Hero battle is imminent. Bring it, dude. Yer goin' down.

Meanwhile, I've had a lot of fun hearing about the kids' experiences in their PSR classes. They're making rosaries, which my sons will most certainly turn into weapons within a minute or two. My favorite thing by far has been Tito's art project. I don't know if they were supposed to draw Jesus or what, but here's what Tito brought home a couple of days ago:

It's Anakin vs. ObiWan. On the cross.
I nearly wet myself laughing.

And I finally (reluctantly and begrudgingly) paid my $360 for Summer PSR. After I gave the Nazi the check, I thought it would have been funny if I had paid in pennies. Or in a big wad of $1 bills that smell like smoke, stale beer and sweaty buttcrack. But of course I didn't think about that until a couple of days later. Sigh. I'm so much more brilliant after the fact, sometimes. I hate that.

The next funny thing, I'm going to give you an opportunity to click away if you're offended by the concept of, erm . . . sex toys.

Last chance.

Still here? Awesome. Well, on with the toy talk. I have what you could call a small arsenal. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I think I might have mentioned El Diablo on here, and if I haven't, well, I'll give ya the specs. Basically, you could club a baby seal to death with this thing. It's 9 1/2 inches in length, 6 inches around in girth. Hot pink. And the best part - GLITTER.

So I've been home alone for 4 hours every day this week, and, yeah, it's been a bit lonely. So yes, kids, I confess that two days ago I dug in my Fun Drawer for El Diablo. I had to move some stuff around, and apparently, I left out another of my toys on my dresser.

And Beeb found it.

Thank God it's not too phallic-looking, but you'd definitely know its function if you saw it.

She asked me what it was, and while I vehemently oppose the use of semantics to cloud the truth from someone, I told her it was a Massager. Cuz it is.

She wants to borrow it. Y'know, for her shoulders.

Oh, and you probably want to hear about Father's Day, dontcha? I almost forgot. It was really quite boring. I took out an ice cream pie because I didn't have time to mold four sticks of butter into something tasty and artery-clogging.

The night before, I'd been out to the Arch Rival Roller Girls bout with my friend Mysty. I'm tempted to skip the fireworks at the inlaws on July 5th so I can go to the next bout. It was so fun my good mood carried over into the next day, and FIL hardly worked my nerves at all. Plus, I came up with the most kickass roller derby name for myself. Not telling yet.


Kevin C said...

I'm sure the guitar battle is coming, baby. But you'll have to give me some time to work up to it. Let's not forget that you've probably got as many hours into Guitar Hero III as I've actually owned a Wii.

Oh, and the game sharing thought was intended to go both ways.

I gotta say, the pic of Tito's cross was fantastic. I was sitting in a movie theater when that came in, and all I can say is that it was a good thing the previews hadn't even started yet, because it took me a while to stop laughing at that one.

Pam the Yarn Goddess said...

After having gone to Good Vibrations in Berkeley (owned and operated by women who try out every item they order for the shop) and asking the good man in there where the butt plugs were (not for me), I had no compunction about asking which dildo was the best. He asked one of the ladies who works there, who came over and showed them all to me. My favorite is very long and slim and designed for that one special spot. It also fits in your purse and looks like a pen. I know this for a fact because I grabbed it by accident and tried to write a check with it. It just hummed. That one is my favorite "outside" toy; my favorite all-around toy is Santa and the Reindeer in purple gel. I'm sure you know the type I'm talking about.

Cheryl said...

My favorite of all the pictures my son has drawn was one of "Jesus and the easter chick".. Keeping that one!!!

ZantiMissKnit said...

At one of my old offices, a cleaning person found a *very* recently used toy in the ladies' restroom. My office manager told me it was so big that she could fuck herself and scratch her own back simultaneously.

Poops said...

I'm personally raising three Jedi Catholics, so to me that cross is absolute brilliance. Make sure that someday Tito reads "The Power of Myth" by Joseph Campbell. George Lucas did and nothing has been the same since, in my opinion.

And you have assigned parking places at your church? Really? How does that happen?

In another vein entirely, when I worked in the pack/returns dept. at J. Jill, they told me about some of the things that have been returned to the warehouse, and one woman found a HUGE dildo in a box with a returned pair of pants.

My "big one" is named Scotty. I could use it to club a baby seal.