I enjoy being a girl. Ok, not really.

I think this is one of the most hysterical pictures I've ever seen. It's from my friend Cecelia's daughter's 4th birthday party. Fancy little girls, all dressed up and dainty, waiting ever-so-patiently to politely beat the crap out of the Disney Princess Pinata. Genius.

I think I was born to be a boy mom, but sometimes I do wish I had another little girl because I kinda miss shopping in the pukey pink aisle for the fun little girl toys marketed to reflect our ever-changing societal priorities. Did we even know what SPF was thirty years ago?



I hate the boy toys aisle. I hate Pokemon and all its derivatives. What the fuck's a Squirtle? It seems like only yesterday that those evil BRATZ dolls were a part of my everyday life. Can we talk about BRATZ dolls for a minute? Who came up with these posable mini sluts???

This is actually the one I find least offensive.


This one has stylish pink metallic holsters for her pistols and a handy purse for carrying her tiny NRA membership card.


This one looks like it should come with a child-sized stripper pole.


This one comes with a free Pussycat Dolls CD. Just kidding.


Should 6-year-olds REALLY be encouraged to act out a "First Date with the new boy in town" scenario with their dolls??? That shit shouldn't even be on their radar screen. I hope her mom's gonna run a background check on his ass. Do these dolls even HAVE parents who let them leave the house dressed like that?


Here's my personal favorite:


Cooterific!


Such lovely role models. Beeb went through what was, thankfully, a relatively brief BRATZ craze. Her Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen videos craze lasted far longer. And now my little girl is almost twelve.

Girl moms, once you're past Disney Princesses, Bratz and Olsen Twins movies, here's what you have to look forward to:


(For the record, I'm not particularly sporty or even remotely athletic. These were on sale, plus I had a coupon.)

Yesterday I discovered that these Playtex Sport Tampons come with Delightful Inspirational Messages printed on the individual wrappers. Like a Fuckin Fortune Cookie.








If I'd been in charge of Project Fortune Cookie Tampons, I would have put one in there that said "Go with the flow", just to be an asshole. Still, some of them I found quite hilarious.

I'M ON YOUR TEAM? Who's supposed to be the one speaking? Is it supposed to represent the voice of the tampon itself? The TAMPON's on my team? What the fuck is that about??? Yay! It's me and my tampon, against the world!

Ya wanna know MY new form of fearlessness? Beating the fuckin shit out of anyone who gets in my fuckin face when I'm on my fuckin period. I'm just sayin.

Did I sound like I have trouble with the fearlessness? BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

Does being doubled over in a fetal position with horrific cramps count?

Fuck you!

I got yer peak performance right here, muthahfuggah. You can't handle my peak performance.

To the bathroom!

I dream of early menopause.

Is this one meant for the BRATZ doll with the pink pistols?

More tampons! Go Get 'Em.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I don't know about you girls, but that's about the LAST fuckin thing on MY mind at that time of the month.

My goal is not to kill anyone today.

And if I don't reach my goal? Well, fuck it, they pissed me off. I did my best to not kill them, it just didn't work.

I always give a victory speech when I manage to get through the day without leaving flaming carnage in my wake.

That one's almost condescending, if you think about it.

Midol, a heating pad, a bag of chips and a tube of cookie dough. What's yours?

Just don't wear white pants!

Show 'em what I got? I got my FUCKIN PERIOD, Shitbrain! I'm trying NOT to show 'em what I got! Isn't that your job, as a tampon, to keep 'what I got' between you and me??


Am I alone in feeling these are unbelievably insulting? I'd love to have been at the pitch meeting for this shit. Can't you just see some dude in a suit with graphs and pie charts explaining to the Marketing Team that all a menstruating girl really needs is a little pep talk from her tampon to change her whole outlook on the next five to seven days? Doesn't that guy have a sister? Or a mom?

Don't ANY women work for Playtex??? Put a fuckin Snickers in the box, for fuck's sake!!

Do the Playtex people honestly think that we, as women, are so pathetically fragile that we're emotionally dependent on inanimate objects to help us summon our own inner fortitude? What's next? Toilet paper with "Girl, you're so awesome, your shit don't even stink!" printed on it? Jeezus.

I would SO have stood on top of the conference table and ripped the guy's face off with my bare hands.

My defense before the jury would be -
My tampons never loved me.