Legends Live On.

A little while ago, Pie had to take a picture of his family to school for a writing project. I'm sure many parents probably look forward to reading what their sweet angel says they love about being in The Perfect Family.

With my kids, I've learned to mentally prepare myself for the possibility of some loosely-guarded family secret becoming public knowledge, such as the little tidbits Tito has bestowed upon his teacher and God knows who else. Tito's kinda notorious for telling it like it is, as I wrote a few posts ago.

And really, it's not like I would care if he said something like "my family pees with the bathroom door open" or "sometimes my mom and dad lock the door to their bedroom", "mom blows her nose on the sheets", or even "my mom wears earrings in her boobies".

I mean, hell, obviously I share extremely personal stuff with total strangers on here all the time, but to me, there's a certain safety in the anonymity of it. I would NEVER be as open with the details of my life if I were introducing myself to a room full of strangers.

I know some people might know me if they saw me on the street, and I know that if someone recognized me it would probably be from my blog, and if you read my blog and don't think I'm a complete douche, then walk right up and gimme a hug and ask me if I've got my Power Panties on. Or tweak my nips or something. G'head, we're all friends here.

Anyway, back to Tito telling it like it is. Remember Mother's Day last year?

I have this masterpiece posted on my pantry door.





Here's what Pie said about our family. Oh, and here's the picture he used, from 3 years ago. At least it's a decent picture of all of us.



I love my family because they are funny. My family loves to have fun. We play games together. Our favorite game is Sorry. [NOTE: I should point out that this isn't the board game Sorry like you're probably assuming, this is punching each other in the arm on purpose and yelling "Sorry!!" It's fun.] We love holidays because Santa will bring presents. We also love bakeing (sic). My mom has made bad cakes but we love them anyway. My family is very very special. I love my family very much.

I'm thinking about changing my name to PENNY BADCAKES. What do you think? I created a Rock Band rocker named Penny Badcakes. And my band name? Kitchen Nightmares.

Apart from my culinary ineptitude, I'm also legendary for my Ubercompetitiveness. This weekend was our virgin Pinewood Derby experience. There are several things I learned along the way.

1. This Pinewood Derby thing is an ENORMOUS PAIN IN THE ASS. But honestly, a contest of who can win something that's an enormous pain in the ass to put together appeals to me even more than a contest that requires me to do something easy. (See, it's not about the winning, it's about the challenge.)

2. To begin, you get a BLOCK OF WOOD. That's it. The rest is up to you. You're supposed to make it aerodynamic and cool-lookin, or at least one or the other. And, as I mentioned, it is an ENORMOUS PAIN IN THE ASS.

3. Your extremely capable husband may do most of the work, but don't think you're going to be able to wash your hands of it completely. I had to go to Lowe's - by myself, with a list - and it took me forty minutes to locate two items. Ok, I admit I spent most of the time giggling at hardware-related terminology that sounds dirty, but I had a bitch of a time finding this shit.



How was I supposed to find Epoxy Putty when they don't call it Epoxy Putty??? Show me where on the tube it says the word EPOXY!!!

4. Your husband may become very, very difficult to live with during this process. This will be a MAJOR test of your relationship. Try not to be a twat, even when you hear power tools after midnight.



5. If you're not a rocket surgeon, go for the Design Category. We went for creativity. HERE is our original submission.



6. There are RULES. And they're inflexible. The maximum weight your car can be is 5 ounces. When R pronounced it Done and weighed it the first time, it was 5.7 ounces. The second time it was 5.3, the third time 5.1, and finally, about 30 minutes before the whole thing started, 5.0. Drilling holes in the bottom of your car will reduce weight, as will sanding the fuck out of it. By the time we made weight, the wheels were barely hanging on.



7. This event takes ALL FUCKIN DAY. We got there before 9am, and didn't leave until after 1. Each car races six times. Pie's car almost didn't make it. He had to push it across the finish line. Finished dead last in six out of six races. We figured that the design would be funny either way. Either it would be ironic if it happened to be fast, or if it was slow, what did you expect? It's a fuckin TURTLE.

8. It's really cool to see your kid win a trophy. Pie took third place for Funniest in the Design category. The son of the Den Leader took first (hmmmm...), so Pie was extremely proud. And so was R.



ANOTHER TEAM KARMA TRIUMPH!